I know, rationally I get it: it wasn't my choice. I didn't chose my genetic or it isn't like I woke up one day and chose to have certain behaviours, emotions and thoughts. I know I didn't do such thing. But the thing I feel, deep down, is that it's really easy to picture a different life in which only changing myself, I could be "healthy". I always find myself tracing back my fears and my deepest sorrows, and thinking in what unfortunate moment I "decided" that every single plane I got into had to fall down, or in which I gave all my energy away to find myself in a horrid fatigue constantly. I can trace every single triggering situation to a thought of this nature, in which I blame myself, in which I feel I am, I was, and I will always be guilty as charged for my mental health issues. Every night as I take my 3 psychiatric medications a little voice inside of me blames me for those little mischievous pills and their side effects.
Funny thing, I've also been diagnosed with some hard physical issues, and of course the road to acceptance has been bumpy and long. But I've never been that hard on myself, or I've never thought that it's my fault to had been born with my lungs or my joints. In that case, as hard as the situation might be, I believe that it wasn't my fault. Even if the physical issues are more notorious and make my daily life harder in terms of accomplishing stuff without extra aids, I've never take the blame.
I can't help but wonder two things, that I'll probably won't have the answer to. Is it because society accepts physical health issues easily? Or, is it because in physical health issues I have a concrete part of myself to blame and not my whole being, my identity, my manners or my personality? Both questions seem appropriate and make echo as an explanation of why I blame myself for certain stuff rather than other things. And I've should've known better: I'm a psychologist. I've had depression for 7 and a half years and anxiety since I was just a kid.
This all just reflects how hard it is to acknowledge the seriousness of mental health issues, it's not a matter of "choosing better" but rather a mix of physiological, chemical, genetic, sociocultural, parenting and a lot of other issues. But we don't see our brain with a "booboo", so we can't point the exact cause.
As I continue to accept this deep dark guilt that I've been having, all I can say is that I'm almost certain that I'm not the only one who feels guilty. For those who are feeling like me I would like to tell them: there's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed. Because even if our existence can be a little more complex, mental health issues are not flaws, are not mistakes of nature. They are just characteristics that some of Us have to carry throughout life. And yes, I can picture too a thousand of different scenarios in which I have no diagnosis, in which I take no medication, in which I'm like the rest as I've been craving my whole life. But that's not real life. Real life is this one we've got here, right here, right now. With conditions, mental health professionals, medications, therapies, side effects and much more. And even if the journey hasn't always been beautiful, I'm glad for it. Because I'm proud of the person I am today, and I wouldn't be half of that person if I hadn't gone through hell and back.
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