In the past 2-3 years, I've felt more pain than I had ever felt in a lifetime, and I've changed. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago, or even, a year ago. Eventhough I was heart-broken last year because of the realization that my parents were no longer together, the crisis haven't struck yet, so I was somehow positive, in love, and the shock of the moment kind of numbs you from the pain. I have always had this habit of, in December, looking back and see how things have changed. And even if last Christmas was hard and painful because of the separation, it had happened just two months ago so I guess we were all still adjusting. Like the moment right after an earthquake, when people go out on the street and see everything is damaged and broken, but they haven't realized it quite yet. They haven't fully dimension how their lives were fully turned around, or how their daily activities are going to change, or what/who they've lost, or how they are going to go back (eventually) to normal life.
2016 hasn't been my year. I might say, it has been the hardest year I've lived (I should've imagined it was going to suck when my heart got broken on the first days of January). So I'm not, not at all, in a festive mood. I admit I wished, with my entire heart, that Decemeber would never arrive, and I started to panic about it coming somwhere around October. The whole idea of a month in which people are ridiculously happy, singing, loving, getting together with friends and family just made me sick. Yes, I know it sound like The Grinch itself is typing this, and to be honest, I just wanted to escape to his mountain and talk with him about how we both hate Christmas and happiness.
Jokes aside, it's hard people. Because it like everyone has its ups and downs and regular mood swings, and BAM, December 1st and they all become as happy as "Santa, on Prozac, in Disneyland, getting laid" (thank you Phoebe Buffay from Friends for the reference). And there you are, with your mood that clearly didn't get the memo that it should change to "happy", trying your best to get through the holiday season.
It's hard, because you are impredictable, so you may be on a good day but also can be on an depressive crisis or on the route to an anxiety episode. As always, as every single day battling these mental conditions. The problem is that the whole world is festive, therefore the tolerance for your mood swings is lower. Because you have to be festive, cheerful, attending to every event with a smile. And it's neither theirs or your problem,the fact is just that if mental health issues aren't adressed in the other 11 months, it seems to be a topic that is not suitable for the holiday season.
As magical as it may be for some, for people who are going through a rough patch, is a very nostalgic time. You are constantly melancholic thinking about how things were a year ago, or how they could be better or the traditions that are gone, or simply your mind (the dearest bitch) goes around and around of all of those things that you've lost and make you sad. So it's hard to stay in the present to enjoy what's going on because simply your mind won't let you. You have to make a conscious effort to be here, on THIS day.
It's physically exhausting. Because you are tired, more than tired, exhausted. You have really low energy some days, in which every single cell of your body feels like it's covered in a thick, iron layer. Even your hair weights life having a cement helmet. So going out daily to sing Christmas carrolls and to laugh and socialize IS HARD. As well as staying up until late on Christmas eve. And the socializing part... To make small talk requires effort, because your mind is going 100 miles per hour with the previously mentioned thoughts, so your concentration and short term memory go to hell. Therefore, you seem like gone, and people missinterpret that as you being rude. And there comes the question "How are you doing?" which you don't know if you should answer honestly and freak out your 70 year old great aunt with words like "suicide" or "crisis" or "relapse" or "medications", or to just ommit the truth, avoid being judged, but being dishonest with your purpose of creating mental health awareness and staying true to your whole being (demons included). Of course, other questions come by "when are you going back to school? Do you have a boyfriend? How is your health? What are you doing? When will you talk "normally" again? ARE YOU BETTER?" And you just freak out. Because the honest answer is "I love that you worry about me, but please don't ask me about my future because I'm living one second at a time. I'm making my best effort to be better, and I have good moments, but recovery is a bitch and I'm trying my best, every day, every second, to be alive in the best way I can be. I'll be fine at its time, and I'll have a boyfriend and a degree eventually, but please understand that I barely have energy to take care of my mental health right now.".
Here's my advice. I decided that this Christmas, if I can't have the whole holiday spirit thing going on, I'll be as grateful as I can be. Grateful for being alive even if it feels like a curse sometimes. Grateful for having parents and a sibling that do absolutely their best effort to understand me, and to take care for my life, my health, my future and my present. Grateful for being surrounded by people who, eventhough may never get what's going on in my mind, truly love me and support me. Grateful for my therapist whose the wisest woman I've known. Grateful for my psychiatrist and his infinite patience. Grateful for being able to afford the medications I need in order to be better. Grateful for my godson because his laugh is enough to give me strength. Grateful for the people I volunteer with, that have showed me that happiness relies solely on the smallest things. Grateful for small, cliche things like butterflies and the colorful flowers I find daily in places I walk by. Grateful for Mexican food and chocolate ice cream.
As my mom, my main caregiver says, there's always something to be grateful for. So if you can't be as happy as the season requires, at least make a constant effort to find and really be aware of the blessings you have in your life. And be grateful for those things, even the tiniest of them. Maybe you won't be as cheerful as everyone and you will still struggle, but I can promise this exercise is worth it.
As for how to make it through this season, surround yourself with those who know how you truly feel, and therefore will treat you with love and understanding. Be with those who will get if you are too tired, or that you start crying out of the blue, or that wouldn't judge you if you don't want to sing "It's the most wonderful time of the year" out loud.
Make your best effort in order to be there, with those who love you and who you love, but be patient and loving with your own being. You aren't a failure if you feel tired or if you just feel you can't smile for one last picture or if you can't make small talk with distant relatives. You are battling with your own mind, you are doing your best to keep yourself alive and healthy, you deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, empathy and love. So treat yourself that way and always, always remember: You are doing your best.
Finally, take advantage of the shopping and eating madness that surround this season. Be self-indulgent for once.Buy yourself cute presents, and eat things that make your soul happy. Go for it, with no regrets. As you try to give others great gifts and make them happy, remember: The most important relationships you'll have is with yourself. So make spoil you! Pamper you! Love you! And last, but not least, it would be nice if you could take this time as a spiritual gift and get in touch with your soul, with your religion, work on that. It may amaze you how a healthy spirituality can work in your favor and become a powerful tool while battling mental conditions. After all, it's the birth of Christ we are celebrating, so you might as well just give it a try.
As my mom, my main caregiver says, there's always something to be grateful for. So if you can't be as happy as the season requires, at least make a constant effort to find and really be aware of the blessings you have in your life. And be grateful for those things, even the tiniest of them. Maybe you won't be as cheerful as everyone and you will still struggle, but I can promise this exercise is worth it.
As for how to make it through this season, surround yourself with those who know how you truly feel, and therefore will treat you with love and understanding. Be with those who will get if you are too tired, or that you start crying out of the blue, or that wouldn't judge you if you don't want to sing "It's the most wonderful time of the year" out loud.
Make your best effort in order to be there, with those who love you and who you love, but be patient and loving with your own being. You aren't a failure if you feel tired or if you just feel you can't smile for one last picture or if you can't make small talk with distant relatives. You are battling with your own mind, you are doing your best to keep yourself alive and healthy, you deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, empathy and love. So treat yourself that way and always, always remember: You are doing your best.
Finally, take advantage of the shopping and eating madness that surround this season. Be self-indulgent for once.Buy yourself cute presents, and eat things that make your soul happy. Go for it, with no regrets. As you try to give others great gifts and make them happy, remember: The most important relationships you'll have is with yourself. So make spoil you! Pamper you! Love you! And last, but not least, it would be nice if you could take this time as a spiritual gift and get in touch with your soul, with your religion, work on that. It may amaze you how a healthy spirituality can work in your favor and become a powerful tool while battling mental conditions. After all, it's the birth of Christ we are celebrating, so you might as well just give it a try.
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