50

Here we are people: 50 pieces,  9 months and almost 9000 visits later. Here we are still, having topics to write about not only for your entertainment but also for my mental health, as I dare to say this is one of the most therapeutic things that have come into my life.

And as I stand here, trying to figure out what kind of topic can be magnificent enough to be the owner of the title of my 50th article, I've reached the decision that not topic is important or not important enough to have some words written about it. So, with that in mind, I hope truly that this piece will come as awesome as I hope, as I don't have a clear north about where I'm heading with it.

As I think in these less than nine months that have gone by since I posted my first article and decided to open up a mental health awareness blog, the first thing that comes to my mind is that it has felt like 7 lifetimes have come and gone during this time. It has had all the elements of a tv show, or a movie. It has been chaotic, undesirable, unwanted, complex, at times way too much to handle. It hasn't been easy, that's for sure, but I'd be lying if I wouldn't mention it was also been beautiful, satisfying, rewarding, loving, and happy. I've been living, more than before, the ambivalence of being happy with a chronic depression, of trying each day to fall in love with life while struggling with chronical suicidal ideation. 

I've done my best to enjoy different places, landscapes, the flowers I've seen on the road and beautiful creatures like butterflies, while doing it with a cane or with pain in a joint I had no idea, existed in my body. 

I've been broken and reattached so many times that my inside can perfectly look like a raggedy doll. I've fought, cursing back and forth to some, and I've hurt in silence, crying at night, because life's that way, and not everyone is going to stay on our lane. Still, I've found that friendships can endure the pass of all the years, and that you've gotta stick to those who aren't expecting from you a reason, explanation or justification.

 I've found that there are people, some whom you never expected, that can be in your life with you being the truest to yourself, no masks or hiding needed. 

I've seen, and experienced, how resilient can humans be: we truly have the ability to overcome any harsh or unexpected situation because we are, indeed, much more stronger than we thought. I've met professionals who do their job out of love, commitment and faith in their patients' journey, and not the fee they charge out of the work done with them. 

I've understood that some people aren't meant in your life, and you gotta let them go, no matter how painful it can be. 

I've seen that God, in his infinite wisdom, will send you chaos on top of chaos, because that's life at the end: a beautiful chaos. 

I've experienced that you don't have to be perfect, and that you can help more than you'll ever imagine, no matter how broken you may feel... Somehow, someone is always even more broken, and will benefit from the wisdom this journey has given you.

 I've come to the conclusion that even though life can seem easier as you deal with less people, and somehow assure less chances to get hurt or disappointed, the others is what make the journey so absolutely worth it; people are worth the risk, and if you believe in them, they'll come through. 

With sorrow, I've accepted the fact that at life will never be how or what you thought it will be, that being your own hero means something different than what you used to dreamt, that you can't escape from tragedies and uncertainty, and that with all of that, life is absolutely worth it and will turn out just how it should. 

Finally, I've come to the following teaching: I'm not who I used to be. I'm not going to classify if I'm better or worse. I'm alive. I'm less than 6 months away from getting my psychologist degree. I have people who love me and my demons. I can afford treatment, I have a home, food and family. And God, I can't emphasize this enough: I'm FREAKING ALIVE. That's way too much than some in my condition can say.

I've struggled, and I still do, and will. But I'm here. I'm writing my 50th article. I'm alive, and it's worth every second of it.