I did it!

So, I haven't published something in a long time and I think it's because at the beginning I used to write in order to heal. And believe me, what an amazing healer it can be. But as time has gone by, I've found that I have less things that need to be healed with writing and more things that just heal because you start getting used to life.

And other thing that I've discovered recently is that life itself isn't good or bad. It's a blend. I've had some beautiful, absolutely marvelous moments lately and some crappy ones, those horrid ones that you just can't write anything about it because it would just be a huge curse. But even with the crappy, horrid ones, I've seen a change: I'm better. That doesn't mean I'm a ray of sunshine, but I've become more grateful with uncomfortable experiences or painful moments, because they are signs of me being alive. And being alive feels pretty damn good.

Because I absolutely know I don't have it even a bit figured it out. But I know now that I shouldn't expect life to be more than it is, a mixture of moments, every single kind of moments. That means I know I'll find joy, pain, guilt, pleasure, laugh, sorrow, peace, and sometimes all at once. For me, that was definitely a game changer: To see life as it comes, as the immense roller coaster you are in, where some days you don't know what to expect or how to feel or if it'll get better when it all of the sudden gets worse.

This past week I had one of the most beautiful moments of my life, I finally got my degree as a psychologist. I'm not longer a student, I'm a grown up! And I'm absolutely grateful because there were some times in which I didn't thought it would be possible. Because my physical and mental health got in the way. Because I couldn't speak. Because I ran into mean people. Because I felt alone. Because I had to stop school just to take care of myself if I wanted to survive. There where times in which I felt so alone and with a huge pressure that I considered changing my university because it seemed unbearable, life was horrible and the idea of finishing my degree was exhausting.

But somehow, while I recalled that, I also remembered the nice people out there, the ones that celebrated with me on my graduation day. The ones that gave me a word of comfort when I needed one. The ones who truly were proud because they knew how damn hard it was. And most importantly I recalled why I chose the career I chose, because I felt a calling, which I truly believe we all have.

So what I have left, and what I have reflected on this past days is that at the end of the day it didn't matter all the rocks that made me fall down so many times. At the end of the day the obstacles, the uncomfortable moments, the good and bad people, the unfair or fair stuff would have appear in any career or university I had been in. That's not the point. The point is that I had some amazing people along the way, that never let me surrender when I was absolutely exhausted. And those people remind me of what I'm trying to say which is that there isn't a physical, mental, psychological, emotional, or whatever condition that is allowed to decide which is your future: YOU as a whole are the only one who gets to decide what you want to be, when do you want to do things, and how do you want them done. I cannot tell you how many times I found myself justifying my value to people that shouldn't have questioned it because of my symptoms, because of my diagnosis, because of my medications, because of the fact that I'm out and proud with the reality of having a psychologist and a psychiatrist (whom to I owe much of who I am today), because of the fact that I wear a cane or have to take an elevator, and so on. I cannot tell you how many, many times I was confronted with people who told me that I should do something opposite to what I wanted to pursue, and I just had to give a huge speech about how I was able to choose my destiny as any other student should, even at the times I didn't fully believed it myself.

People: Go out there and do you. You, as broken as you may feel you are, or as not worthy as others may make you feel have all the right to do amazing things. The only one that can decide what you can or can't do is the only one who knows you truly, which is yourself. Mean people will always come along the way, hard roads will be there more often than what you wished for, but there will always be love. Even if it's in a single soul who believes in you. And if you love your story, your scars, that'll multiply and a loooot of love will come your way.
Trust me.

Sincerely,

A very grateful, surrounded by a lot of love, PSYCHOLOGIST!