I was thinking on how is this road is simply hard to accept. Because you know, that people always want the best for you. And they'll always want to see you happy, and recovered and stable. But that isn't reality, once you get on the recovery roller coaster, you'll see that what you've got is so much harder than what you expected. The funny thing is, in a matter of time, you enter in this dynamic too, and reality gets harder and harder to deal with every day.
I'm not talking about the nice days, or the stable periods. I'm talking about the relapses, the moments when you feel your symptoms rising like a thermometer in the summer, the unexpected nights of endless crying after some good moments.
Case in point: I was in a mall and someone exploded a balloon next to where I was standing, but I didn't realize that was it. I thought it was a bomb or a bullet or something like that. To someone with an anxious mind, I don't have to explain about it. To someone who doesn't live with it, it may seem unthinkable to have this kind of thoughts. But our minds wonder at a speed I can't even describe to the worst possible scenarios where we are, always, in danger.
So: Sound- Panic attack- mutism- stutter. As always, as it has been for the past months, when I get absolutely in panic, some part of me becomes paralyzed. In this case, it was my speech impairment. All of the sudden, I was stuttering again, I couldn't find words to speak, I had my funny accent back, It was hard to understand me again.
Positive side: I recover faster and faster every time. With time, crisis are shorter, easier to fix, simpler somehow. But at the same time, it's harder, more painful, more difficult, Because of all of the people who push you to get better, to strive for a faster recovery, who push you to be more stable, you are the first one of all. You, more than anyone, crave to be better, to disperse the symptoms, to be... Yourself again?
I try to be as open as I can with my mental and physical conditions, with this blog, in person, writing in The Mighty. Mental health education and desestigmatization drives me. But as truth as that may be, I found myself unable to accept this late crisis, this patch on the road, this rock I tripped on. I isolated, spoke as few as I could, and cancel a couple of plans I had with some friends. I was... Ashamed? Sad? Defeated? Frustrated?
I knew, and I know, that this episode was nothing compared to the ones before. I already knew the "modus operandi" of this kind of things... I knew I would be speaking like myself in no time (Except the goddamn r, which I really haven't pronounce since since September...). But every time you feel yourself on the edge, every time the road you've driven seems in jeopardy and you fear you'll be back on the start, you just freak out. Sadness and fear, in the most primitive form, take all over yourself at the time when you even glance the possibility of going back to the start.
And it's hard you know? To be honest, to keep it real, to accept the ups and downs. To say, I'm better, so much better than what I was before, but I still become speechless at times, and I get constant panic attacks with minimum stuff which I would adore to control. But I can't, at least for now I can't.
I haven't figured it all out quite yet, and this for me, is far, far, to be accepted. Because it isn't something that I can know, for certain, it will go away. If so, with the diagnosis of a chronic, genetic, mental health condition, you have the certainty of this symptoms being in your life: Even if it's like silent companions or loudly innkeepers.
And when you realize that, you see that for some of us this is as good as it gets: To have some stable moments, but symptoms that will always be there. To have some big crisis, and some stable moments. To live in a limbo, in which being "okay" is relative, and your mind is like a seesaw. To know that having panic, and crying yourself to sleep, and an anxious minds who writes the best scripts on earth, and pills, is your new normal. And that it is okay. I think... That you can still make it, and that you can still be here and interact, be your new version. So deal with it.
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