The word that no one talks about.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. As the matter requires, I'll try my best not to cross that thin line that divides testimonial information from a sensationalist piece. It hurts, as it comes from the darkest of all places, from that place where we all keep those taboo topics safe from public display. It hurts to accept it, to face the fact that you've dreamt of never waking up again. I know, fellow reader, it will hurt your heart to face the fact that I've gone through that. But we've gotta talk about that, about the things that hurt.

About suicide.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. Because once you've experienced suicide as a close reality (not necessarily because you've had an attempt, just wanting it is enough) you've acquired a responsibility, which is to talk about it, to create awareness. Not only for you, for the ones that struggle daily, but for those who are gone but never forgotten. You need to speak up, for their memories to stay alive, for their legacy not to be lost, for them to rest in peace. Speak for those who are for some just statistics now, which show that suicide increases in a rhythm that is simply alarming, but that for me are fellow warriors, soldiers who died in the battlefield.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. Because I refuse to live in a world in which the first response people have towards someone who died by suicide is "what a selfish act". I'm not defending suicide, it's painful and absolutely tragic, but thanks to education now I know it's part of several mental and physical diseases. It's not, as ignorance made us think, what people do when they aren't strong enough or when they are selfish. I believe, and I'm learning every day, that there are so many different ways to cope with your emotional pain. I've been lucky enough to realize that death isn't the only way out. But I've been sad enough to feel empathy, to understand, to feel the stigma that the word itself carries. I've been frowned uponed enough to realize we need to speak up about suicide, to educate ourselves and others. Because talking means we could be saving lives, creating awareness, teaching people.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. Because I've never wished for my own death as I have wished for it in the past year. One thing is wanting to disappear for a while or "dig a hole in the face of earth and go on it", and another thing is wanting to kill yourself. Fantasize about it. Imagine it. Having it become a recurrent thought on your head. Feeling the danger you are in and being aware of it. Accepting that your head has way too much power and fearing that one day, when you are impulsive enough, you pay attention to the things you shouldn't be thinking about... You know it's wrong to feel that way, to think that way, to want something so twisted and painful. You are the first to judge yourself, the first to feel ashamed. I'm talking about those who've died by suicide while struggling a mental illness, because that's the case I can relate to. I know many, many won't get it.  But imagine a pain so deep, so hard, so overwhelming that blocks your brain from seeing any way out other than dying. Imagine having feelings so strong and so profound that make you wanna crawl out of your own skin, cutting it off. I know many, many won't get it. But self harming is not a joke, neither is wanting to kill yourself. Also believe me, it's not a selfish act. This may sound weird, but it takes courage to be alive, and it does take courage to take away your own life. Because you are aware that is a point less bet. You are choosing the unknown (in my case as I'm religious I believe in an afterlife, but let's face it: we have no certainty of what to expect once you die), choosing to stop seeing your friends and family forever, choosing to never see your dreams coming true. You are giving up all of that and you are aware of that, which makes it even MORE painful... And that's why I'm saying it takes courage. To consciously give all that up in exchange of saying goodbye to your emotional tsunamis. Next time you're going to judge someone who died by suicide, think that for a minute. What kind of pain would make you give up on everything we know? It has to be one hell of a pain. One that can't be described with words. And that person, who died, passed away trying to battle that pain away. They just couldn't take it anymore. They were sick, their disease just wasn't visible.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. For the simple reason that our society is so messed up that suicide is hidden, is denied, and that teaches people they can't speak. They can't warn  about the thoughts appearing in their minds. They are terrified of being judged because people make fun of the marks on their arms, so they keep quiet. They believe what their heads tell them: that there isn't a way out other than suicide, so they just speak in their suicide note. So many lives that could be saved. So many people that we could help. Just by speaking up.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. Because I'm learning to shut up my mind as I've seen there are so many ways out other that death. Therapy, medication, friends, family, volunteering, trying out new recipes, Gilmore Girls revival, late night conversations, taking pictures with my 2 year old godson, sleeping until late on a rainy day, and more. I've found the joy of life in so, so, so many things. Your mind will still suggest death as the way out in times of intense pain and deep emotions and it will still sound convincing sometimes. Because there relies the magic, as you find more and more simple, tiny reasons to be alive, your mind becomes less and less powerful. Until someday it'll be just noise in the backround.  You show your mind that there are other ways, and just keep living by living. There's no other way. By living you'll meet new people, bond with family, create new memories, laugh until you cry for the first time in forever, you will enjoy life again. To any of those who have felt like that or are currently there, please, please find help. Speak up. You'll see that your therapist might save your life, and that with him/her you will find a judge-free zone. Your family and friends might as well save your life, loving you just the way you are and guarding your life as if it was their most precious treasure. And life will get better, I can guarantee. But you have to ask for help, to raise your voice, to speak up. All of the good in you, as tiny as it seem , deserve to decide how your story ends.

This is, by far, the most important piece I've written. Because I intend to ask you, dear reader, three things. First, talk about all of those topics that are taboo, get information, make them come alive so if someone comes to you with a mental condition they feel you will listen. That brings me to the second thing. We all know stories of people who've died by suicide or will know someone in our entire lifetime. Please, oh please, don't judge them or their families. Don't say it was selfish. Don't say they were weak. If you still can't find empathy, at least don't say anything. I can assure they tried their best. Battling mental conditions is just more than some can take sometimes, but that doesn't make them weak. They fought and a disease, that poisons their minds, took them away. Third and last, let's all remember those who passed away for SO MUCH MORE than the way they died and the stigma that surrounds it. They were so much more than the way their story on this earth ended .  They were so much more than their disease. And they deserve to be remembered like that.