When you try your best...

Once you open your mind and soul to the world, you struggle with several thoughts. One of them, that's been in my mind lately is how to be a voice that represents the struggle with mental conditions and fights for the end of stigmatization and discrimination while still battling depression and anxiety. How to encourage others in days in which you can't even encourage yourself. How to show that you are more than depression in a depressive episode. So meditating and talking to friends have made me realize that this is exactly what this whole experience is about. Showing that you can overcome a disease and that you are so much more than a diagnosis, but that doesn't mean you deny your reality. It's about accepting that depression and anxiety are guests in your world and sometimes like to make a scene and take over your body, but that they aren't your entire being. So I decided to speak about the bad days, because is as real as the positive experiences and it's part of who I am right now.
I don't want to talk about specific symptoms, as this isn't a clinical psychology class, but I want to speak about my experience going through them and how it has evolved over the years. I would love to tell you it gets less frustrating as the years go by or that you are less scared but, unfortunately, I can't. In my experience, it has worked on the opposite, becoming more frustrating as the years go by. Because one simple reason, you believe that a psychological suffering is equivalent to a physical injury, so once you've took your meds, you'll be healed for life. That's not how the mind works. When recovering, all you've got is your experience, your journey. There aren't x-rays that show if the injury is getting better or labs that confirm that your levels are up and normal for someone your age. Nope. So you have to deal with a little voice in your head that'll judge you harder than anyone for your bad moments and that somehow knows all your biggest fears and it's willing to shout them to you at night before you go to sleep: "WHY ARE YOU SAD AGAIN? ARE YOU SO MISERABLE THAT THE TREATMENT ISN'T WORKING FOR YOU? ARE YOU THAT DAMAGED? DEFINITELY, YOU ARE HOPELESS... YOU MIGHT AS WELL DIE (plays suicide fantasies in the backround)" and so on. That, plus the symptoms of the depressive episode. So it sucks, yes it does.
The bad news: It'll keep happening Sometimes out of the blue, when you least expect it, when you are feeling on top of the world, when you feel finally free. Depression has a way of biting you in the ass just when you are feeling as happy as a kid, just to remind you that it still exists. Because as hard as you try, as good as you feel, you are still in recovery. Which means these episodes can and will happen. 
The good news: You aren't a weirdo-damaged-failure specimen for that. It's normal. Relapses are part of the process and healing takes time. Just because someone felt fine in a week and magically cured from depression, doesn't mean it'll work that way with you. This is your story, and you are battling a custom-made monster (that even though shares common characteristics with other monsters from other people). One of a kind. So your battle will be unique, and so your recovery and your healing process. You will get better, I promise. At your own time, in your own terms. And even though frustration exist and you'll hate feeling symptoms after having a good day, you are tougher now. Braver. Stronger. More empathic. More loving. So you have all of these amazing tools to say "Ok, it sucks, but I know It'll pass and I'll be fine". Please, please, don't feel like a failure. You are trying your best, and that is a huge deal, it's just a very complex road. 
And stop comparing yourself to others. I really can't emphasize how important this is. People will come, with awesome intentions, telling you all kinds of magical ways in which they healed themselves faster, or will question your therapist, or will tell you your medication sucks, or will demand you to heal faster (that's my favourite: Hey, you've been in this process for four months already. Shouldn't you be better by now?). To all of those people, I can assure you that no one goes to the pain of fighting a mental illness just for the fun of it. I assure you that we all loveeeeee to heal faster, to be better, to stop fighting. But it's deeper and far more complex than that. If we have good therapists and the medication works most of the day, let us be happy with that. We know that you love us, but it is OUR process so please, gently back off. Only good vibes, positive things and TONS of love are accepted. Thank you!
People tend to think that you only get better or that your process is only working if you are symptoms-free. If you are constantly happy and cheerful. Well, let me tell you that's impossible for any human being. That is pathological. It's normal to have ups and downs and more if you are in a recovery process. When you struggle with a mental condition you just gotta hold on to the little things and celebrate them, those are positive indicators and they may seem very small and insignificant for the world (screw them): They are your own personal victories. You managed to get out of bed, yay! You managed to take a bath, yay! You had social interaction, yay! You had a night of good sleep and could wake up feeling refreshed, yay! You didn't cried today, yay! You had only few or no suicidal thoughts, hooorrayyy! Those things others take for granted, are your little trophies. Embrace them. And take it easy, we all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months... Love and thank yourself because you are trying your best, it's just recovery is a pain in the ass.