Coming out.

 Today I made this blog public by sharing it on my Facebook page. I can't point out the exact moment in which I decided to make it public and share my intimacy with strangers, friends and family, I just felt that I had to do it. They say it takes 20 seconds of insane courage and something good will come out of it, and that's sort of what happened.

Through the day, I've had tons of feelings. I was out there. All of the sudden I realized, I was exposed. I felt like I was naked, I've just opened the door to my intimacy, to my private little heaven/hell, and to whoever wanted to come in. For the first time, I was out in the open, no sugar-coated, no rehearsed lines. Just me. In the most private and raw way. As I realized this, I felt sick, I just wanted to crawl up in my bed and delete everything and just move on without ever mention my experience or the blog or anything. It's scary, frightening actually, to let the world see your complete humanity. I was taught (as many) that I couldn't let myself be fragile in front of others. And all of the sudden I was giving others all they needed to judge me, to call me fragile, to call me weak, to call me sick, to reject me. I was showing the world my struggle and telling people "Here you go, welcome and I hope you enjoy your visit". Was that a smart move? Was I being too naive thinking people could relate to my struggle in a non-judgemental way?

I kept feeling unsure until I saw the feedback. It has been more loving than I could ever dreamt of. As people read me, they started telling me about their own struggles, their family stories, about all of those mental issues they've kept under the rug as most do. And with that it was clear. The problem isn't depression, or bipolarity or OCD or any mental struggle. The problem is that our society isn't ready to accept that mental health matters, and matters just as much as physical health. You would never feel ashamed or feel that you will be judged if you accept that you battle cancer or diabetes or migraines. 

Mental issues require people to speak up. Of course, you can't control how everyone will react and as you speak up, you are vulnerable to people judging you or degrading your experience. But it's so worth it. I swear it. If my experience helps even a single soul, all of the sleepless nights, the tears, the suicide thoughts, the fatigue, they'll all be worth it. 

So that's why you speak. To help others, to bring information, to stop stigma, To show that depression doesn't always looks like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh, that it may come in the form of a smiling, good student with loving family. I speak because I've found so much support in online blogs (The Mighty, TWLOHA). You feel like someone, even if it's through a screen, understands you, feels your pain and shows you it is possible to live your life. You speak up for all of those whose family won't believe in them and just tells them to "man up" or "eat chocolate" or that "we all have moments when we feel tired/sad, it's nothing". You speak up to show and to teach that therapy does change your life, and that not all therapist and psychiatrists are monsters. Mine have changed my life for good, and I think my life won't be long enough to thank them for helping me to believe and love myself. They’ve become family. You speak for those who've lost the battle, those who've had committed suicide, to teach people that they were not selfish, they were not weak. They were warriors, it's just that our mind makes some way too powerful enemies and it's a very difficult battle. You speak up to make others understand you, so you can finally approach to them without a mask or without the pressure of having to be "perfect" every single time. Finally, you speak up for yourself. To heal. To understand. To admire and to finally thank the little light in your heart that never disappeared, that not even depression could blow out. Because is thanks to that, to the little girl in you, to the light in your heart, to the part that loved life (no matter how small it may be) that you can tell your story. Thanks to that, you can take the breath you are taking right now and type this letters, which will set you free