When life seems unbearable, take it one second at a time.

This article won't have an ending as it portrays my current situation. I've been struggling depression for 5 years now, and anxiety my whole life. I was always a scary little girl. Everything used to frighten me, darkness, school, social interactions, loneliness, death, plus those amazing anxious fantasies in which everyday situations turn just chaotic and tragic. Foremost, I hated changes, I hated when things just changed out of the blue. Unexpected situations were (and still are) my biggest fear. For that I had my life, my every move, perfectly planned out. I left no room for disaster (or so I thought) in my life: I would graduate from high school at the average age, then I would study psychology for five years, then I would get married young, have 2 babies, and so on. I wanted the movie, Hollywood type of life, while being a happy, perfect, in sync lady. What could go wrong, right?

How did my perfectly planned life got here? I have no idea. I just know that depression has managed to change my life 180 degrees. My reality is basically therapy, meds, art, exercise, and lots of love from family and friends. That's my life now. I was forced to stop my race towards my perfect life and every time I make plans, a relapse reminds me to take it slowly. In 6 months I've come from the perfect student with multiple jobs and an active social life to someone who struggles daily to get to tomorrow. I've changed my social circle, prioritizing those who've loved me unconditionally through this crisis and saying goodbye to those who even question the realness of my mental condition. I can't drive, I can't go out by myself and I've had to leave 3 theatres since the plot of the movies I was watching had to do with dead and suicide and that triggered panic attacks. Before I was a fluent speaker, now I stutter and even literary can't speak when it comes to taking about certain traumatic issues for me. Of course most of my previous plans and ideas of a "perfect life" are trash now. I just want to get healthy, I just want to be happy, I just want to get over this crisis. That's my only goal.

I've learned three things that I would like to share to anyone who somehow relates with my story. First, if depression had never shook my life like this I probably wouldn't have realized how amazing those who support me are, no matter how imperfect I feel I am. You feel miserable, your health goes downhill, your mind won’t shut up, but still people out there believe in you. And that’s amazing. To be able to have friends and family, no matter how few they are, that love you even when they see you in your raw, depressive state, that’s gold. I can't thank enough for my mom's endless patient as she is my main caregiver, or my therapist positive attitude, or my psychiatrist honesty. Even when therapy sucks because I’m having a bad day and I’m feeling worthless and stuck, my psychology and psychiatrist have become my family. They stand by me, they do their best to understand me, they believe in me in times when believing in myself sounds like a joke to me. You have to accept the positive things others are willing to give you, no matter how small they may seem or how hard it is for you, accept the help, love and care that others bring. You’ll nourish from that.

Third, and most importantly: You are not just a diagnosis. You aren't a crisis, or the medications you take or a category in a medicine book. You are so much more, you are alive and life has ups and downs. You are a whole universe, memories, friends, enemies, mistakes and virtues. You suffer, we all do. Maybe your path was paved a little harder and it's a bit more inclined, but that will only make you stronger, braver, wiser. There's so much more out there you can do, and I swear life will get easier once you start loving your demons, your shadows, your darkness. It's part of your life, it's part of your journey: Embrace it.

As I said, I have no answer about how to adapt to the way depression changes your life. It's unpredictable, and so is recovery. I've just learned to take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, and just be thankful that you've beaten depression until this moment. Celebrate the “small” victories, they are bigger than they seem. Whatever comes ahead, will come. Just be grateful for the breath you are taking right now.

Well, they say God laughs at your plans and He certainly had something different in mind. Depression came along, anxiety got worse, panic attacks and endless physical symptoms that only showed I had huge emotional issues. Still, I managed to graduate and started university, while having a boyfriend and a somehow active social life. I cried myself to sleep and took medications, but I would still go out with a smile in my face. And my plan was still going as I wanted it to. Until 3 years ago.

My perfect family suddenly fell apart when my parents split, my dog died, my grandparents got sick. Pretty normal stuff, but not for me. Mrs. Perfect couldn't take it anymore. Life was throwing at me way too many changes, and as a pressure pot I couldn't take it anymore. I entered a deep crisis in June '16 that made me rethink everything. I couldn't stop crying even with meds and therapy, suicidal thoughts were a daily movie my mind played, I lost my appetite and I would sleep 14 hours each night with 3 naps. My psychiatrist demanded me to have 24-hour company, and all meds and sharp objects hidden. He also said I shouldn't go back to university on August, rather take care of myself and get better. And so I did. Anxiety and depression sure didn’t make it easy, constantly chanting around like Christmas carolers stuff like “If you were good enough you wouldn’t take time off, would you?”, “Why can’t you just be like all of your colleagues who CAN go to school and function in a NORMAL way?”, “Are you alive for this? Really? To see your downfall? You’d be better dead”, and so on… 

 Secondly, this changed my obsessive planning personality. Now, I live for today. For my health today, for my struggle today, for my blessings today. One day at a time. Having a mental illness makes you put everything in perspective, it changes your ideas, your priorities. You just want to be fine, to feel like yourself again, to be able to spend one week without suicide thoughts or without crying yourself to sleep. I don't care about if I'm a perfect student, or if I take more time to get my degree, or at what age I will get married. It's funny how sometimes life makes you miserable in order to realize that you should live for today. Be happy for today. Fight for today. Even though your mind has made your life miserable, here you are, smiling, struggling, fighting, and winning. You are a champion of life as every second passes by, because you chose to be here, to believe in yourself.