At the end of the day, not everyone you lose is a loss.

We've all seen a train, or a subway. There's a driver, and wagons and everything. It stops in different stations, and people come in and go out. Some people will enter in the first stop and will be in it for the whole way, until the very last stop. Some will come, get in it for some time and a couple of stops later, they will get down, but while their at it, they will write on the windows obscene stuff, will break some chairs, will leave garbage. Some will just get in for and go out on the very next stop. Some will step on the wagon and say "Crap, this isn't the right direction for me" and get down before the doors close. Some will do that, but will leave some scarf in the floor of the train, so they'll be getting in and out wagons for a very long period of time, finding their item that's lost. Some will just come and do other things meanwhile, and even if they stay for several stops in the train, their presence will make no difference and they won't remember a lot of the characteristics of it once they get down. Some, will be in the train for the long haul, but they'll keep fighting with people that come in, smoking in it, drinking alcohol and screaming songs from the top of their lungs, and will refuse to get out until the driver force them to. Some will come out of the blue and stay until the very end, making the train much prettier, cleaning it, painting it, playing soft music. And so...

Now, imagine that you are the driver, that the train is your life, and that the people that come and go are in fact, people that come and go in your life. You'll see, not everyone comes in the train and stays as long as we want them to, some stay longer than we wish they did, some just even stepped on it but left a piece of them so you'll have to carry it around until you decide to clean and get rid of what people left. There will be times in which the train is going through the most horrible stations and the dangerous parts of town, those no one wants to go to, and you'll see the train seems empty, but some people, few people remain: Maybe scared, or maybe fascinated by those damaged, terror-movie type of stations, but they are still there.

And that's life, people come and go from your life, some people will leave permanent scars, some people will leave a part of them in your life and will occasionally stop by to find that what they are missing, some will stay for a long time even though they are causing damage and you'll be forced to kick them out for your own well-being, some will be there since day 1 until the last day you live, some will come in the middle on the road and make your journey much prettier.
I never get used to people entering my life and leaving out of the blue. In fact, I suffer so much when people leave that I tend to be very cautious of who I allow to get into my train, because I don't want to feel pain when they leave. And certainly, there are certain periods of life in which people will leave the train almost empty, and you have to get used to the fact that people, most people, people who are with you just in a superficial relation, people who are just curious, but not really interested in you, people who can't deal with tense moments and uncomfortable topics, will leave. Maybe they'll return, maybe not. But you have to keep going no matter how empty your wagons may seem, because when you pay close attention, you'll see who are still there: The ones that always have, and always will. And frankly, those are just the ones you need, even if they are few.

It's not that you choose to be lonely, or maybe you do, but pain changes people. Even though we don't want it to, and we refuse to accept it, pain does change people. I can't tell you exactly how I've changed, or which things remain. I can't say that all that I've lost of the old me where the bad habits and that I've only gained good ones. No. I can't really tell you which are which clearly: All I know is that (And not only with me, but in general people who've gone through traumatic situations, who've been close to death, whose world has been turned upside down) I'm not the same I used to be. Because I had to change in order to survive, because if I kept my old ways I would end up dead or totally loosing my mind. We have to adapt the circumstances, the curve balls that life throws in our directions, and the harder the surprises are, the more effort we need to do in order to be able to keep up with them. So if you go through a life-changing experience, the harder it is (or the harder you perceive it), the more you'll change. And it's not bad, you had to do it in order to survive. Not everyone will get it, because not everyone has gone through YOUR experience.

They say that we shouldn't allow the world to harden our hearts, but sometimes that's the only way to do it. Because if you felt everything as you used to, if you suffered with criticism as you did before, if you mourn everyone that come and go as if your life ended the minute they walked away, you wouldn't make it. You wouldn't come out alive to the other side. Because that's some harsh pain, and you have to survive, which makes you have to build a shield so you won't die every time someone questions your path, your decisions, or chooses to walk away.

And as you've changed, that also means that you aren't willing to take bullshit anymore. Because you've seen how complex but how simple life is, at the same time. You've seen real, heart-wrenching problems. You've seen your whole existence in danger. So you know that the moments you have here, with a little peace, you rather spend them with people who lift you up, who make you better, who fill your heart. Because life's too messy to spend your good moments with people who don't deserve them. You learn, that you really get what you give, and that that simple rule should apply to anyone, So if someone wasn't there at your worst, do they deserve your best? You gave it all you had, you worked your ass off to have some sort of peace (you aren't fully recovered, but hey! Let's celebrate little victories), and you are gonna spend it with those who made you miserable? To those who talk trash about your process? To those who questioned your truth? To those, who simply walked away, and left you when you needed them the most?

Or you rather be with those who stayed in your train even when the road was tough, when the wagons had poor lighting, when the chairs were uncomfortable? To those who instead of saying "Hey, you've changed..." say "Hey, you've changed!", because they also had to change in order to survive, and also lost people in the process, therefore they are empathic with your journey.

And yes, there are some seats on the wagons who still miss the person that was there. And that still don't get why they got down, or where, or how. But the reality is that kid, the only person who really matters, and who WILL be all the time in that train is yourself. At the end of the day, you are the only certain thing you have in life. The rest that come and stay, are more than welcome and will make your life easier and happier (most of them at least). And you are the only one that gets why you've changed, how have you changed, what stayed and what left.

At the end of the day not everyone you lose is a loss. The new you wasn't right for them, or they weren't right for you, Period. You just have to keep going to the next station...