I know we’ve had some pretty hard 5 and a half years. Specially, this past 10 months we've been through hell and back. In everything that’s going through, you’ve battled a lot in accepting me with my condition. Having a daughter with major depressive disorder and general anxiety wasn’t part of the plan. I know it wasn’t, and still isn’t easy, to listen to your daughter saying she rather be dead, or that she can’t get out of bed because living life is just to painful. Clearly to see me walking with a cane or unable to get out of bed or with certain body parts of the size of an orange isn't make it any easier. I can see you suffering every time I'm in pain, and desperately searching for ways to ease the symptoms of my physical chronic illnesses. Thank you for trying to make me sleep at night wrapping me with a lot of blankets like if I was a burrito or sending me flowers via Whatsapp to brighten my day.
You’ve done your best in trying to understand me, even in times in which I couldn’t understand myself. Even though sometimes I don’t appreciate it much, you guys are the best support team I could ever ask for. I know I’m very pessimist, and I know that there are times in which my own reality seems like a dark hole, so I get frustrated with my own history when you say things like “You are worth it” or “It’ll be better”. I don’t appreciate those words that much because I don’t think that much of myself and I don’t have a positive vision of my very own future, not because I don’t appreciate the effort that you guys make. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to go through such a painfull process without your love, effort, company, comprehension, etc.
About two months ago, a doctor confirmed us what we already knew: My depression is a chronic, genetic condition. And even though for me it was a relief, I know for you guys it was extremely painfull. I could see the guilt in your eyes. I could see your frustration and your desperation. I could feel your heart breaking when you heard that your little girl, your angel, the baby that you desired so much 23 years ago, would be "sick" for life. They were telling you that I would never be cured, that I had to live with this, that this disease that you’ve seen changing my life and making me miserable would be stucked with me for my whole life. And there was nothing, nothing, not a single thing you could do.
Because all that you can do, is what you’ve done. You’ve been absolutely supportive, you’ve researched about it, you’ve made your biggest effort to understand my mood swings, you’ve swallowed your own tears when I came running saying “I can’t do it anymore”. Somehow, you always find strength and courage to convince me life is worth another shot, that I should try to live again tomorrow because it would be a better day. And somehow, you’ve been right. Here I am, still fighting, accepting the fact that I have a chronic major depressive disorder. It certainly isn’t easy, and there are days in which I want to throw everything away. But I don’t do it because I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t break your heart in that way when you’ve been so incredible in these past years.
I've seen you cry because you couldn't take it anymore, I've seen more pain in your eyes than ever every time the word "suicide" came in the conversation. Still, I've seen how you've celebrated every little victory I've had along the way, even if it was something insignificant such as being able to take a shower. Thank you so much for encouraging me every step of the way, for being there. I know sometimes some things don't make much sense, and believe me, I know that you wish my reality was different, but still, you've been there. The world and everything else can be falling apart and still, you worry about if I got enough sleep last night or how I'm tolerating my medication. You've outgrown your very own pain, to try to mend my broken heart and soul with pieces from yours.
You are the best reason to be alive, to try it one more time, to accept the tears I’ve cried. I’m sure without you, this road would have been impossible to go through.
I’m extremely lucky because even though you feel guilty for the genes you gave me(The good, the bad, the ugly ones), that’s nothing compared to all the love and support you’ve given me. I’m sure we’ll have some tough days ahead, but I’m lucky to have parents that are willing to learn in this process with me.
Love you,
Mariana
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