I’m currently in Europe for vacations. I’ve been to Fatima, Madrid, Salamanca and currently I’m in Avila. It’s a beautiful town, with gorgeous XIth century walls that surround the city center and most importantly (for me at least) native home of my favorite Saint of all time, Saint Therese of Avila. Long story short, the spiritual part is very important in my life and as I’m currently going through a major depressive episode, I felt I needed to come to my saint’s town as part of my recovery process.
Oh! Two small, tiny, little details. First, I have fibromyalgia, asthma, some remains of a reactive arthritis I got a month ago, major depression and anxiety. And second, it’s winter in Europe. You can see where I’m going, right?
I’m not going to talk about the depression and anxiety in winter time, that’s topic for another article. I’m going to talk about the physical, chronic illnesses and this winter climate, which is new for me but a reality for many, many people around the world.
Let’s start with the fact that, if you have a chronic illness, is hard enough to travel for the physical toll it has in you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being ungrateful. I love traveling and I’ve been lucky enough to be able to do it to get to know amazing places, and to come to Avila and Fatima in such a hard time has been good for my soul. I’m absolutely thankful for this trip and I will travel in any climate just for the love of getting to know new places, or going back to cities that stole my heart.
But it’s hard people. You are chronically fatigued, therefore all you want to do is sleep and journeys require you (in general) to wake up early and stay up until late, walking and touring around. And it’s exhausting for people with no conditions at all. Now imagine for us who have any condition that makes you feel tired all the time. Fun. The part of your sleeping patterns is also a mess, jet-lag isn’t certainly cooperating with your hipersomnia or insomnia. Long walks, through uneven lands, taking stairs in museums or churches. Different food, also…
But let’s focus on winter, shall we? So you don’t get sick (in our cases, sicker) you have to wear a billion layers. Thermal underwear, special socks, pants, shirt, sweater, special winter coat, two sets of gloves, hat, scarf. You are like a freaking package. You can’t even bend your joints.
Fibromyalgia problem #1: your extremities swell up, therefore with all this clothing (if it fits) it gets way too tight and makes it even more painful.
Asthma problem #1: you are supposed to wear a scarf thicker than a concrete wall in order for no cold air to get in your lungs because it makes you sick. But you are already short of breath because of the weather, therefore you can’t breathe and LESS with a huge scarf covering your nose and mouth. So you lower it in order to breathe, and cold air gets in which is bad, and… I don’t need to explain this vicious circle, do I?
I’m 22 years old, so everyone expects me to be happy, full of energy, active. And I’m not because all of the things I previously explain, well, at least not all the time and less when it’s 28 degrees out there and I’m freaking freezing while my body enters in strike. So you ask to go slower, you make some stops, you constantly enter to places where there’s heat to breathe better, you suggest to take a taxi or a bus. And as considerate as people may be, they don’t get it, because you are just a lazy young woman who doesn’t want to walk and get to know new places. They don’t get it that your body just doesn’t work in this temperature and that it wakes up all the pain in your joints and muscles and collapses your lungs. And yes, yes I know there’s inhalers and pain killers but it’s not enough. Plus, it is absolutely frustrating to be in this limbo where you aren’t healthy enough to be as any 22 year old tourist would be, but you don’t have a disability, at least not a visible or constant one (because there are days in which you are perfectly functional).
And I’ve been thinking about it, but what really encouraged me to write about this was the following situation. I was at mass, and for the fibromyalgia and arthritis, it’s hard for me. I can’t kneel when I’m supposed to, because it is extremely painful and hard to get up, and sometimes the hip or back or leg pain makes me sit down at times when I have to be standing up. In one of those moments, where pain made me sit down, I looked to the left side and there was a 70 year old lady, with a cane, standing up, giving me the stink eye and looking me with disappointment. Now, days after that, I would like to tell her
“Dear 70 year old lady who gave me the stink eye.
I’m sorry but I won’t apologize for having sat down at church the other day. I have s chronic condition which is really painful, and gets worse with the freezing climate of your very beautiful town, and makes it hard to be up for long periods of time. I would love to let you have my body for a day so you can prove it yourself, but as I can’t, you’ll have to believe me when I say it’s very, very painful. I already told God about it and he’s ok with it, it hasn’t interfered in our relationship as He gets that I have to make some changes to adapt daily situations to my condition and He loves me no matter if I’m standing or sitting down for health reasons at mass. May God bless you (I dare to say this as we met in church so I’m guessing you are a believer).
Love,
The 22 year old lady who sat in mass.”
P.s: For all of you who have fibromyalgia or arthritis or both and live in places that have seasons, I’m very, very, very empathic and I admire all the courage you have to manage the symptoms and live your daily life in such a cold weather for whole months during your lifetime. All my love.
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