Oh, sweet love.

About a month ago, I heard something that I haven’t been able to shake of my head. A Belgium friend, who worked as teacher for a long time told me that what she had learned in this experience is that “We all want love, we all need love, we are all looking for someone who loves us.”. And I couldn’t agree more.
As we enter February, and keeping that quote in mind, let’s talk about romantic love, shall we?
And let’s talk about finding that romantic love, dating, having a relationship while battling a mental or physical condition (That’s a little bit harder).
There’s another thought I haven’t been able to shake of my head in the past months (basically since my process of accepting and loving myself with chronical depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, asthma and arthritis began) and is that once you realize who you truly are, the dating world becomes way harder. Why? I found two main reasons. The first, you finally accept yourself as enough with your conditions included, and you aren’t expecting someone to love you in order to feel complete or worthy. So you don’t settle down anymore. The second one, because you realize that your conditions are part of who you are, which means that you can’t (AND SHOULDN’T) hide them as they make you who you are, and they are part of your day to day.
With that in mind, obviously you will become more and more picky when deciding who to spend time with. Because you know that in order for you to have a relationship, as it should be honest and sincere, you WILL have to come clean about your emotional and physical baggage. And that is absolutely scary, as you’ve seen how hard and judgemental people can be.
It implies a severe change in you, as you’ve gone through all the phases to get here:
“I shouldn’t talk about my condition, it will scare him off” (Been there).
“I will subtlely talk about mental health to see what he thinks about it AND then I will talk about myself” (Been there, had quite some umpleasant surprises).
“I will ask him for his mental health directly and if he has something, I’ll admit my issues” (Been there).
“I will bluntly tell him all the details of my several conditions in the first date so he knows what he’s getting into” (Been there, it usually scares people off).
“I will tell him that my mental condition won’t affect our relationship and that our relationship won’t affect my mental condition” (Been there, that’s a big fat lie. Try having a major depressive episode mixed up with a heart break. Fun, right?)
“I know it won’t scare him off, I can be honest”. (Been there, you’ll get some surprises as people “suddenly and coincidentally disappear” after you opened up).

And you go through a whole self-love and self-acceptance process and finally see it, you should be with someone who gets you, who doesn’t want to change you, who understands you, who lets you be YOU. Sounds easier than it is. Because you are battling this blurry line between “OMG I’m talking way too much of my conditions, I will definitely scare him off” and “My condition changes my daily life, so if he wants to know how my life is, he has to learn about my conditions”. And so, so many won’t get it: It isn’t a matter of identifying or hidding behind a disease. Is the fact that it changes you, it somehow conditions what you can or can’t do, it needs to be understood so they can understand you. They need to know why you will start crying out of nowhere, or why one day you won’t have the energy to go out after 6 p.m., or why a simple stimuli (which is meaningless to everyone) triggers a panic attack in you, or why in some dates you’ll wear the fanciest of the accesories: your cane.
So that’s why it’s harder. It isn’t something we say so people will feel sorry for us. No. It’s that it requires several steps. First, find someone who shows empathy, that’s absolutely key. Because without empathy you will be attatched to someone who will tell you “Give me a break” or “Don’t make a scene” or “I don’t get why you don’t wear high heels, you would look hotter” when you are having a depressive episode or a panic attack or you arhtritis is bitting you. And hey, battling our minds and bodies is hard enough to be battling with that kind of people.
If you are lucky enough to find someone who is empathic, give him a chance and educate him, Clearly he is willing to, so show him that battling a mental health issue doesn’t make you part of the cast and crew from Girl, Interrumpted or that having fibromyalgia and arthritis doesn’t mean you are overreacting and weak.
And if he gets you, and understand you, and tries his best to learn about you and your conditions (which doesn’t mean he has to have PhD in clinical psychology), give him a chance. If you like him too, of course. I’m not saying you should marry every empathic guy you meet, I’m saying you shouldn’t take them for granted because empathy nowadays is an uncommon trait.
Keep on the quest, I bet you it’ll be worth it. I’m a hopeless romantic so I’m absolutely sure that there’s someone out there for everyone, and you, Dear reader aren’t the exception no matter which conditions you may or may not have. Unless you want to be alone, which is absolutely fine, but this article was focused on those of us are interested in adding romance to our lives.
In case you live in Singletown currently, and no one tells you this on Feb. 14, Happy valentine’s and you are absolutely amazing and worth it.